Five Fantasy Football Predictions

He just doesn't look right

(Editor’s note: The title says five predictions, but in order to make Marcus Webb happy, we added five more after first posting. Hope you enjoy the additional five, Marcus.)

It’s finally upon us. The wonderful sport that opens the door to the common fans’ wildest dreams, and gives each and every one of us a glimpse into the agony and ecstasy of sports on the biggest stage: fantasy football. 
  
Fantasy football is one of two things. It is either the most enjoyable fall time hobby ever, or it is the ultimate waste of time. You either love it, or you’re my wife. But since you’ve read this far, I’m guessing you love it. To you lovers of the great sport, I say this: Hold strong. Don’t let others look down on you for being true to fantasy football. They don’t understand, probably never will, and it doesn’t matter. Okay? Okay. (And by the way, yes it is a sport. I have pulled multiple muscles and nearly broken both of my knuckles watching my fantasy teams play. If it involves the word “football” and there are injuries, it’s a sport.)
 
Now here are my five predictions for the 2011 fantasy football season:
 

1.            In Week 1, Aaron Rodgers will have a massive fantasy game, but he won’t score as many points as Drew Brees. However, the Packers will come up with the win after the Saints fail to score from the one yard line at the end of regulation. (What?)

2.            There will be no Arian Foster in the 2011 season. Now, I’m not saying the actual Arian Foster won’t exist this year. Even if he dies, he’ll still exist (in our hearts). No, I’m saying there won’t be any players that come out of obscurity to be a top fantasy performer. Will there be some pleasant surprises, and starter-quality players who come out of nowhere? Absolutely, but no Arian Fosters. To quote Bill Simmons: Continuity.

3.            Peyton Hillis will disappoint. There are a few reasons to think he won’t live up to the hype he garnered after a solid first year inCleveland. Things like injury concerns, an emerging Colt McCoy, and perhaps most notably the Madden curse comes to mind. Those things are all useful points to back up my case, but my reasoning for thinking he’ll regress is far more simple than that: He looks weird. Am I right? The dude just doesn’t look like a fantasy football stud. (Look, in a sport as arbitrary and random as fantasy football, I can use his looks as proof he’ll stink.) In related news, Marshawn Lynch is straight up ugly.

4.            This year will mark the first time an NFL player will be caught throwing (as in unfairly manipulating) a play or game in favor of his own personal fantasy team. I’m not sure what the circumstances will be, but it will happen. Some possible candidates to star in this scandal: Chad Ochocinco, Plaxico Burress, Matt Hasselbeck, Reggie Bush, and anyone on the Carolina Panthers (including Cecil Newton).

5.            Jahvid Best’s entire body will self-destruct by Thanksgiving. His remaining organs will be donated to local hospitals. The doctors who transplant them into various patients will all agree the organs have tons of upside.

6.            Terrell Owens will be picked up by some desperate team by Week 4. What’s worse, some guy in your league will defile everyone (and everything) by picking him up off the waiver wire.

7.            Greg Jennings will be the first NFL player in history to miss a game for something called a “smile strain.” When reporters ask why he doesn’t just stop smiling, he will bust out a big grin. Confused fantasy owners will regrettably start Jennings anyway, assuming the whole thing is a joke. Man, that guy is so happy, right?

8.            Bored of watching his team lose game after game, Peyton Manning will start following Eli Manning around, giving him pointers (which he calls “Tennessee Tidbits”). Noticing his natural ability to coach especially slow players, the Giant’s ownership will offer Peyton the head coaching job. Peyton will initially accept, but upon seeing the contract offer, he will throw an audible, drop back and chuck his pen into the garbage. The national media will call it the best pen chuck of all time even though he actually threw it into the recycling bin. Eli’s fantasy numbers will still suck.

9.            By the end of the season, Tim Tebow’s stats will look like this: 15 Games, 5 Starts, 8 TD passes, 13 INT, 8 VTD (vulture touchdowns), 4 WUC (weird underwear commercials), and 45,765 BGA (Bible giveaways). (By the way, don’t bank on getting much from Knowshon Moreno this year. Between McGahee and Tebow, there’s a lot of touchdowns getting vultured this year)

10.        None of my predictions will have panned out by Week 8. I will get desperate and cut them in favor of some other predictions I pick up on the waiver wire. The next day, all of the predictions will be picked up by my archenemy blogger. Shortly afterwards they will all come true. (Side note: Fantasy Blogger sucks; don’t play it.)

Some additional predictions: Calvin Johnson and Dez Bryant will be the #1 and #2 fantasy WRs this year. Jamaal Charles and Ray Rice will be the #1 and #2 fantasy RBs. Also, “Peyton Manning’s Neck” will be a popular fantasy team name. “Eli Manning’s Butt” will not.

***

Bryson Kearl is currently in five fantasy football leagues. He’s bound to blow it in all five. Also, he’d like to make a shout out to Tyler Richards for coming up with the best fantasy name he’s heard in a long time: “Cobra Kai.” Tyler, your team sucks this year, but your name has tons of upside.

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