5 Solutions To Combat The Effects of No Fantasy Football

Is this man's life at risk?

With the NFL lockout still in effect, and with rumors of a deal being finalized remaining only rumors, I believe we might be on the eve of serious turmoil in America. Not because of the lack of football being played on Sundays, but because of the lack of fantasy football.

Fantasy football has simultaneously become an obsessive hobby shared by Americans everywhere and also a crippling addiction in line with gambling and hard drugs. It drives people across the country crazy, takes up large chunks of their life, and they will downplay their involvement in it at all costs. Ask anybody who is an active member in a fantasy football league how much time they spend on their team. A typical response might be, “Oh, I’d say half an hour a week, maybe.” If they say half an hour, they mean four hours. If they say an hour, they mean about ten hours. And if they say a couple hours, they spend every spare moment of the their day looking up weekly fantasy stats and projections, so that by December their brain is mush and they are commonly heard muttering things like, “Swear on my family’s life—stab Hasselbeck in the throat if I ever …No we won’t, Matt Berry, offensive schemes—shut it down!”

My point? We are drastically underestimating the effects that fantasy football plays on a large percentage of Americans. Imagine if overnight every person with a cocaine addiction had to quit cold turkey? The effects would be pretty drastic, right? Vancouver level riots would be commonplace. Therefore, unless you like to make out during riots , it is time we prepared ourselves for no fantasy football. I’ve made a list of five solutions to combat the effects of no fantasy football. Here they are …

1) CGI. If advanced computer systems can create whole animated movies that that look like real life, why can’t they use old football footage and “create” an entire NFL season. Can you imagine how good the 2011 NFL season would be if Pixar was producing it? They got us to care about a rat that has some weird/erotic love of cooking—can you imagine how much we’d love football in their hands? Plus, Pixar could control how many fantasy points each player got. Win or lose, there’s a good chance your fantasy matchups will be close.

2) Fantasy can be put before anything: fantasy basketball, fantasy baseball, fantasy reality television, fantasy lame comments on Facebook (10 points for “Where’s the dislike button?”), and so on. If you know somebody obsessed with fantasy football, find an alternative fantasy, and pretend it’s the coolest thing ever. They won’t completely buy into it, but they also won’t be found lurking outside of Roger Goodell’s house with a machete and an Oakland Raiders helmet.

3) Remember that crappy Adam Sandler movie “The Longest Yard”? Well, as lame and predictable as that movie was, I think they were on to something. If the lockout continues, I think NFL players should start a league where they play prison inmates. You’re telling me you wouldn’t watch that? To make teams even we would give the inmates Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, and Ray Lewis. Martha Stewart could help design the uniforms (Finally! Floral jerseys!), Robert Downey Jr. could provide prison commentary, and Paris Hilton will have no involvement whatsoever. Regarding fantasy points, we could add new categories like stabbings (-5 points) and prison escapes (+30 points since you will likely lose that player for the rest of the year).

4) English Premier League. If the NFL stays locked out, ESPN and FOX need to put all their resources and football money towards Premier League “soccer.” I was converted to the EPL this past fall, and if it weren’t for the lack of viewing options I had, there’s a good chance I would already have spent less time updating my fantasy roster and more time watching the beautiful game. And the EPL is the one league with a style of play closest to American football. All the flopping and theatrics (see: Mexican soccer) are at a serious minimum, perhaps because the hooligans won’t stand for it. The best part of this option is that football fans can still be “football fans.” And there’s fantasy football in the EPL. Brilliant.

5) End the lockout. This is the best solution. Seriously guys, stop messing around and finalize a deal! I need fantasy football! Frickin’ Goodell, Jerry Jones big screen—draft time, I’m taking AP! …Negotia-Vick—shut it down!

***

Bryson Kearl wrote this article. He is 95% certain that if his wife ever leaves him it will be fantasy football related.

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One Response to 5 Solutions To Combat The Effects of No Fantasy Football

  1. Peter says:

    This sums up my life.
    The prison scoring system sounds legit.

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