Devan’s Official Ugly NBA Players List

(Editors note: This article does not reflect the opinions of The Van Gundy. The views expressed are exclusively those of the author’s. However, since the NBA has closed its doors to us fans, we have allowed this hateful message to be posted. Deal with it, NBA.)

As the lock out is now officially here, I feel it necessary to go over other ugly things happening in the NBA.  Here are my official 10 ugliest players currently in the NBA. I am sticking to players that are currently playing; sorry Sam Cassell, Robert Swift, Popeye Jones, Yao Ming, Tyrone Hill, and you too Patrick Chewing.

10. Chris Bosh

With his appearance being compared to the alien predator and an actual velociraptor it should be no surprise that Dwayne Wade’s go to guy starts this list.

 

9. Steve Nash

The 2 time MVP is one of the toughest guards out there. He is true to his Canadian roots with all the hockey type injuries he receives. The main thing on Nash though is his neck. It looks like he has some sort of dried foot fungus made its home there.

 

8. LeBron James

Has nothing to do with the decision or not showing up in the finals. Guy is just ugly. Notice how his headband keeps getting bigger and placed higher as his hairline continues to recede (http://blogs.thescore.com/tbj/2011/05/27/the-lebron-james-headband-timeline/)?  Being compared to Greg Oden in an ESPN poll on NBA players that look older than they are can’t help. (Being compared to Greg Oden in any poll can’t help). He’s not Oden bad but he makes the list for the same reasons, wrinkly forehead, obscure nose, and looking old. Wants to be a global icon, with that face?

 

7. Sheldon Williams

How he got the one of the few attractive WNBA players (Candace Parker) amazes me. Their kid is the next LeBron James (in attractiveness and freak athletic ability). There have been some Admiral Ackbar comparisons, which I think are appropriate.

 

6. Greg Oden

Oden is 23, looks like he’s 63, and has the knees of an 83 year old. Blazers just offered him an $8.8 million dollar qualifying offer… That raises more questions than Oden’s actual age.

 

5. Joakim Noah

The hair, the teeth, the not so full beard. Noah is ridiculous on the boards, maybe because no one wants to be near him?

 

4. Andrei Kirilenko

Rumor has it his wife lets him cheat on her three times a year… Wait, he has a wife?

 

3. D.J. Mbenga

He may be one ugly but dude has a black belt and some of the biggest biceps in the league. A lot of people will put him on their ugly lists but who would actually tell it to his unfortunate face?

 

 

2. Reggie Evans

Doesn’t he just look like a villain in a Batman movie? Hint Chris Nolan. (What? Second article and already two Christopher Nolan references??)

 

1. Chris Kaman

To nobody’s surprise Kaman comes in at #1. The hairy shoulders may have given him the edge he needed to get here.  Best example of humans evolving from Neanderthals. Some just didn’t surpass their ancestors too much.

And the winner is ...quite obviously this guy

***

Devan Butler is out resident Lakers fan. His hobbies include television producing, standup comedy, and ugly model scouting.

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5 Responses to Devan’s Official Ugly NBA Players List

  1. this is such a sham Devan. Steve Nash? Have you seen him in a suit? The dude bagged Elizabeth Hurley. Get out of here. What about Charlie Villanueva? How can you rank LeBron as uglier than him? This is absurd. Flat out terrible. I’m filing a protest.

    I’ve lost all respect for all of your opinions.

  2. Devan Butler says:

    Villanueva didn’t make the list because of the alopecia… I have a soft spot in my heart for his hairless head.

  3. Caddie says:

    Other that Mbenga and maybe Kaman, that list is utterly ridiculous. Straight men are completely incapable of judging the looks of other men. Stick to something you know (sheep?)

  4. Guest says:

    How Shelden Williams did not rank as number one is beyond me. Definitely the most unfortunate looking one on that list. Also, Lebron, Kirilenko, Nash, and Evans aren’t ugly.

  5. What about Delonte West? Rajon Rondo? But I love this! James and Oden look like brothers!

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